Websites Aren't for Spiders, Uncle Philbert!

So Simon and I had some time over Turkey Day weekend and we decided it would be a hoot to build a website for Aunt Mattie & Uncle Philbert. You know, those people who DON"T have the Internet let alone own a computer?? Yeah, funny, right?

So we loaded it up with all the UN-LESSONS we learned from them -- from Burping to Math Tricks to making Blue Lemonade. It is all there--check it out!

VISIT Aunt Mattie & Uncle Philbert's World

Obob

Here's another thing that’s not in TDBfB. How to speak Ob. Like Uncle Philbert says, It's easy. You just stick an "ob" in the middle of EVERY syllable of every word.

Whoben yobou lobearn hobow, lobeave oba cobommobent obin Obob.

Obuncoble PhobilbobertWobord fobor Tobodobay: Flobapdoboodoble.

The Dangerous Book tl;dr

Simon’s mom sent me a book today. i guess she didn’t get the memo about me NOT READING BOOKS. (Comics yes, books no.) i think she’s trying to trick me into reading because Good Old Simon just luuuurves to read.

It’s called The Dangerous Book for Boys and it’s pretty fat so at first i was like tl;dr. [Which would make a very short thank you note: "Dear Aunt Shirley, Thanx for the book. It was Too Long; Didn't Read. Thanks again. Parker"]

But the title sounded OK so i flipped thru it and it actually is kinda cool. Tells you how to skip stones and make water bombs and catch fish and all like that. Trouble is, i already know how to do most of it. Hello? Uncle Philbert taught me.

But i guess not everyone can have an Uncle Philbert. In which case you might like the book.

Check out Uncle Philbert's Word for Today in the right column: muckle

Turtle Traps

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Here’s some stuff that should be, but isn’t, in the Dangerous Book for Boys. It’s something Uncle Philbert taught me—how to make a turtle trap from an orange crate. (If you can't read the instructions, leave a comment and I'll type them out for you.) It's pretty easy to do, and if you don't have an orange crate, you can use any old wood.


Me and Dad are going to make one and then i'm going to see if i can catch one of those mean old snapping turtles that are in the pond out behind the middle school.

That reminds me: school. Ugh. Starts in three days.

Anyway, here's the Uncle Philbert Word for Today: striddles. Go and exercise your constitutional right to vote in the poll (on the right).

Good Old Mom and Dad let me spend Labor Day weekend on the farm!

i mention to Aunt Mattie and Uncle Philbert during dinner how i had missed The Dark Night and now it’s gone and i’ll have to wait for the dvd but i didn’t want the dvd i wanted to see it on a BIG screen and boy that sounds whiny when you write it down.

But Uncle Philbert doesn’t say quitcher bellyachin’. He just gets a funny look and says if i wanted to see it on a big screen i was gonna see it on a big screen. So he piles us all into the car and refuses to believe me when i say it’s too late, it’s gone from all the cineplexes.

Next thing you know we’re driving the opposite direction from the mall and out into the country and he pulls into a big parking lot with a DRIVE IN movie screen at one end. It’s ancient and peeling and as big as a house.

“How’s that for big?” asks Uncle P with a smirk while he hands the lady at the ticket booth a $5 bill and asks for tickets and a big popcorn and then sticks out his hand like he’s waiting for change. When the ticket lady says that’ll be $20 more, he makes a sound like he stepped on a wasp nest.

Uncle P: Since when do you have to mortgage the farm to see a moving picture?
Aunt M: Now Bert [she calls him Bert] you kind of owe it to Batman to support his film. If it weren’t for him, you wouldn’t have a farm to mortgage. [I can’t explain this, it’s in the book.]
Me: When was the last time you went to a movie?
Uncle P: 1952. Cary Grant and Ginger Rogers in “Monkey Business.” Don’t remember much because Mattie and I were getting’up to our own monkey--
Aunt M: Oh, look, the picture’s starting. Who wants popcorn?

They let me lie on the hood, all wrapped in a blanket and warm from the engine’s heat, resting my head on the windshield and whenever I turned around to look at them Uncle P was looking pop-eyed and Aunt M was hiding behind the giant thing of popcorn. Still, it was an awesome way to watch a Batman movie.

Any of you guise ever been to a drive in?

Batman!!!!!!

i can’t believe I missed The Dark Night ! i’ve been looking forward to it for like ten months and then it came out and i didn’t even know. Cuz i was on the farm. And it’s gone and i’m the only person on the planet that didn’t see it.

Funny though, at the time i didn’t miss missing it, if you know what i mean.

Polls!!

Hey, i just discovered that i can do polls on this blog! But i can't figure out how to make them part of a post. You have to look over to the right-hand column to find the poll.

It will be like one of those Word-A-Day calendars: Improve your Vocabulary!!!! Impress Girls!!!!! Ace the SATs!!!!! Get into Harvard!!!) Except with Uncle Philbert words. So maybe you won't get into Harvard.

If you want to know the right answer to the poll question, you have to leave a comment here and i'll answer it.

So what are you waiting for? stop messing around and go answer the Uncle Philbert Word for Today: poll question: what does morey mean?

Morey

Good Old Dad laughed at me at dinner for saying that Mom’s lasagna is really ‘morey.’ i guess that’s one of those Uncle Philbert words no one else has ever heard of. i’m gonna try to write them all down and post them here.

70 days Unplugged and Still I Live!

You guise musta thought i was dead. Get this--all summer long no wireless, no cell service, no DVD player, no nothing at the Funny Farm. i even broke my Game Boy micro on the first day. it’s been so long since i opened my computer i think i forgot how to typo i mean type. My last post was about how rotten my summer was gonna be but i was totally wrong. Instead of Worst. Summer. Ever. it was what Great-Uncle Philbert would call the Finest Kind. Translation: it rocked.

So, what did i do for ten weeks? Chores, for one. Yup, CHORES. Here's a picture Aunt Mattie took of the first time i tried to chop wood. Dropped the dumb sledgehammer thing on my foot.

And i fed sheep. And llamas. You heard me. Llamas.



Too much happened to describe here, and some of it was pretty wild. But i'm not a great writer. If you really care and (unlike me) you like books, someone wrote all about it here. If you're like me and would rather watch videos, check out this craaaaazy llama song. Just click on the arrow or paste the link into your browser. You know how to do that, right? Good boys and girls.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08BRy0MoIA8

Let it Fly

Uncle Philbert taught me how to tie flies. For trout fishing, that is.

If you want to see how to make one, read about it here. Or watch the video.

Off to the Funny Farm

So long you guise. i don't know when i'll be able to post again. Good Old Mom is yelling at me to Hurry Up and Finish Packing Or We’ll Be Late. Late for what i ask you? They're the ones going on a fancy cruise. Me i'm stuck going to my crazy relatives. My cousin Simon thinks i'll have a blast. i think it's gonna be The Worst. Summer. Ever.